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Shem

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[24 Jan 2008|03:57pm]
yesterday I had a memory out of the blue. it was weird.

I remembered that I once tried fucking a peanut butter and jelly sammy on the back of the schoolbus. The bread got smushed to pieces and I ended up with supercrunch glop all over my beautiful horsecock.
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[04 Jun 2007|02:13pm]
I got a job on a gay ranch in Montana. It's a long story. My official title is stable hand, but I spend most of my days with a mop.

The meth out here is fantastic.
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[26 Feb 2007|09:12pm]
Well, I did a bid upstate on a bullshit case that landed me on the sex offender registry, so yes people, livestock counts, haha. Anyway, I made it through ok and now I'm looking for work. I would appreciate any help. In the joint I worked in the kitchen, so I'm thinking food service. I live in Brooklyn and I'm 52 years old. I'm ready to be a regular citizen and settle down, hopefully with a cute tranny.
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[30 Jun 2004|11:04am]
So if I want to keep my VA benefits alive I got this notice that I had to go in for a complete physical. I was afraid that they’d give me a blood test and find all the weird stuff in my system, but then I thought haha do they test blood for windex and fantastic? I don’t think so, sunny jim.

So I went to the hospital and the doctor is a woman from India named Guppy or Gindy or something, all I know is she had a mole right between her eyes with hair growing out of it. “Please don’t look at the mole, it makes you look cross-eyed, and I want your chart to be accurate,” she said. So I looked at her cans.

She did all the regalar check up stuff and then said, I see that you are in your fifties, do you know has your prostrate ever been examined? I said no but if you hum a few bars I can fake it. She didn’t get it.

She made me get up on the table and put my ass up in the air. “Don’t worry,” she said. “I perform about two dozen of these every day, and have for the past two years." I aint no genius, but I figgered she’s had her finger up a lot of anus.

When she got close to my ass she started making sounds like “oooh, my goodness” and “oh my word.” Her finger was small and I hardly felt it. When she finished she wrote something on the chart and hurried out of the room.

I started to put my clothes on, and I looked over at my chart. “Pt rectal area foul smelling.” Well that was a little embarrassing. She’s probed hundreds as buttholes, and mine she describes as foul smelling. And she’s Indian. Maybe I’m putting the fantastic in the wrong hole. It ain’t easy being me.
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[22 Apr 2004|01:36pm]
ok so it's been a while, I had to clean up off the cleaning products because my teeth were falling out. Teeth falling out is a drag, especially when you're in a social situation. If you burp or fart you say "excuse me" but the other day I was in McCluskey's arguing with that fat fuck Joe about the Mets, and I couldn't think of that new Jap's name, then it came to me: "MATSUI!" I yelled right in his face and one of my teeth flew right into his eye. What do you say when shit like that happens: pardon me? He was mad, but we had a good laugh later when we sneaked up on this guy in a suit and dropped it in his drink. You should have seen his Face when he drained off his drink.

And then later I got toasty toasty on some human bean booze cause skanky beulah was buying me drinks all night. She got some settlement for something and was lit up like a Christams tree. After about six hours I looked at my watch and saw that it was springtime and asked the Bueller if she wanted to play hide the tubesteak in the little boy's room. She said she couldn't cause of her injury, and I asked what the hell injury could keep her ass off a urinal. She said she had a lapsed yuteros from some bus accident. Then she lifted up her dress and lemme tell you, her meat mitten was INSIDE OUT! After that I needed air. I got a meatball hero and a couple of cans of redy whip, and went home. I was loaded so I just pulled down my pants and got in bed. Mary Fist don't mind sharing the bed with a meatball hero, and she don't want any either.
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[12 Dec 2003|04:30pm]
My parole officer told me to expect a home visit last night. Ever since I sued her she stopped making me moisten her clam when I report to her office. Now she’s all nicey nice. She even told me she that she wouldn’t be coming to my house alone, she’d be coming with this other dickwad Officer Nelson Lafurge, a mormon motherfucker in her office. These home visits are a pain, they go through all your stuff. On the last one they found my supersized rubber penis under the bed, and I still haven’t heard the end of it.

So last night I decided I’d get even. I knew they were coming at 6 p.m. so at about 5:30 I boosted a pack of hotdogs from the halel on the corner. I cooked two of them in the frying pan, put them in buns and put them aside. Then I took four others, and one by one shoved them all the way up my ass. Then I shit them into the frying pan and waited. When the doorbell rang I turned the oven back on and answered the door. “You’re just in time, I’m making franks!” I almost laughed right there, because when I was a kid there was a momo in my neighborhood who would always announce that he had to shit by saying, “I gotta make!”

They looked at each other, but saw me digging into my weinies, and I guess that made them think it was ok. So I served up the shit dogs on some buns, haha, and watched them eat them.

I thought the jig was up when Lafurge asked if I’d put anything on them. I said no, and then he said, “maybe they’re smoked or something.” Yeah, from the smokehouse of my herpetic rectum.

I hid the penis in the tank of the toilet, and they didn’t look there, so everything went ok after dinner.
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[19 Nov 2003|02:16pm]
Whew what a fuckin trip this is. So anyway I’ve graduated to harder cleaning products, now I’m spraying pledge down my throat. I didnt get the idea from anybody, I made it up myself after I remember all those happy horny housewives in the commercials when I was a kid. Wipe away the cobwebs with pledge. I guess you could say I’ve taken the pledge haha. A big drawback is the size and color of the can, you can’t hide it as good as the lil' fella purell.

Anyway after 3/4 of a can last night I got completely lit, and to make a long story short woke up at about 6 a.m. today face down on Beaver Street on top of a manhole. It was raining, but I felt all warm and cozy, and then I saw that steam was coming out of the hole. I felt good believe it or not, except for the fact that I couldn’t see too good outta my right eye and I had a krupa-doopa headache.

I started grinding my cock into the manhole cover, and my willis mcwilliams started to swell up. Thank god that still works. I slipped down my sweat pants and discovered that my cock fit very nicely into one of the holes in the manhole cover. So I fucked it. I’ve had worse, and a manhole cover aint gonna steal my pledge while I’m sleepin it off neither. I nutted into the shit under the street. Maybe it was anal sex, heh.

So I fucked the city of new york. I think I’m in love.
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[23 Aug 2003|03:27pm]
Yesterday I was in my lawyer's office getting ready for my depasition that's happeneing next week. That's where PO Stollaer's lawyer gets to ask me questions about how she made me lick her vagina when my urine turned up dirty, which was all the time. Mr. McGackle told me to make sure I was sober and cleaned up. Clean I know I can handle. I think the reason he asked me to make sure I was bathed is because of what happened.

I was sitting in his confrence room waiting for him to come in. Then all of a sudden I had to fart. It turned out it was a wet one and a little shit came out with it. What could I do? I went to the bathroom and went into a stall and took off my pants and panties, which aint easy to do over shoes. Lumbago is a bitch. There was a wet brown spot on both my panties and my pants. I threw my panties out the window, god help the people walking by on the sidewalk below. Then I put my pants back on. I smelled like shit, but not real bad I thought.

Talking to Mr. McGallon, I crossed my legs and kept bag of cans in my lap. I think he still stunk me out though.
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[22 Aug 2003|07:02pm]
Today I found out that my co-spermboy whose called Gumby used to be the sweatboy for the knicks. He was the guy who ran out with the mop when the teams were lined up at the line for a fould shot and all the guys would drip sweat onto the court. Gumby says that Ewing was the sweatingest person he'd ever seen. I'm glad Ewing don't come in here, that's all I gotta say. I'd hate to see how much sperm he'd leave.

Gumby, man. From sweatboy of the NBA to spermboy of 3rd Avenue.
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[11 Aug 2003|10:36am]
Ok so my lawyer said that if I want the lawsuit againt my PO to work out I can't violate parole, so I had to get a job. As of today I'm the new sperm boy at Spankys, the porno place on thrid avenue. I mop up the booths. Sometimes the customers "finish" before their quarters run out, and I get to watch the stuff for free.

It's a lot easier to do the work with a belly full of purell, lemme tell you... I'm just pumping it straight into my mouth now, fuck the chasers. Pump action is a wonderful thing for inebriating materials, there should be pump action dispensers on liquor bottles. I get a lot of good ideas like that.
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[08 Aug 2003|02:53pm]


I was boosting shit in Costco yesterday and I found this shit called “Purell hand sanitizer” have you heard of this stuff? It’s 62% alcohol! That’s 124 proof! So I slipped a gallon-sized jug down my pants and got past the guard at the door by telling him the bulge was my rupture. He bought it, I just got one of them faces I guess.

Purell is kind of thick and goopy, I can’t do shots of it. So I been quaffing very sophisticated cocktails lately: purell and cranberry, purell and prune juice, purell cranberry juice and prune juice (I call that a PCP heh). I gotta tell ya its kicking the shit outta me. And I think it’s making my teeth a little whiter.
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[07 Aug 2003|01:40pm]
Yesterday that nickel guy wrote about how he looked 15 years younger after shaving off his pubes, and that got me remembering the last time I did that and how I figgired out that it wasn’t worth it.

I was watching this porno movie and I noticed that all the guys, all the girls everybody shaved there breakfast meat. I had a half belly full of Giorgin and thought what the hell. So I went into the bathroom, stripped down and soaped up. So I shaved my balls and the area around my cock and you know it didn’t look so bad, but the area around where I shaved was still hairy. Like my belly and the insides of my thighs. I wanted everything to be even, so I shaved there too. Before I knew it I was shaved clean up to my nipples and down to my knees and I was bending over, looking between my legs at my lathered asshole. Everything above and below was as bushy as before, and I looked like I took a weird radiation dose or something. Right then I got thirsty and next thing I was passed out.

Wouldnt you know I got pinched for jumping the turnstile later that night and sent to the island for a 30 day bid. It wasn’t fun taking that first shower with my belly balls and thighs as bald as the day I was born, especially when the rest of me was a complete mange. It was weird enough to keep the somdomites away from me though, heh. Everyone called me Itchy that bid because I was going nuts scratching everywhere when it started growing back. Going nuts heh with scratching nuts itchy nuts. Goobers and raisinets I remember that song.
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[06 Aug 2003|07:09pm]
I got fed up with my parole officer sexually harassing me and I got a lawyer, and I dont care if you read this, Ms. Stoller, I guess I'll see you in court. Frankly I am tired of having to "glaze your doughnut" everytime I fail a piss test, and if I may be candid, you could at least clean all the toilet paper out of your vagina before requiring me to lick it. If you get an envelope from Guldens and McGoober, LLP, with offices on Madison Avenue and in New Jersey, thats my lawyers.
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[02 Jul 2003|03:31pm]
What a drag it is gettin' old. When I was a kid I used to be able to blow myself. I could put my legs behind my head as I lay on the bed and get the head of my cock into my mouth. I found it very exciting until I came, then it felt kinda gross and stupid. Then old Mr. Verplanck from downstairs told me that if you shove something up your ass while youre jerking off it massages your prostrate it feels really good, so I started fucking myself with a dildo he lent me while I blowed myself. It was cool. Today I think they they call that multi-tasking. Back then I was just plain desperate. Then I heard about this thing where if you strangle yourself while you were jerking off it felt even better, so I had to figure out a way to hang myself while blowing myself and fucking myself. They always said I was the dumb one, but I knew better.
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[26 May 2003|06:04pm]
First of all a big hats off to Burger King, whose fries have a beery taste these days -- they should make more food taste like booze in my opinion. Now if there was just a huffing section in saloons the world would be perfect.

After my humble repast I ambled by Smokeys where some kid in a burger king uniform was crying real tears about being fired! He had puke all over his apron, and looked like he'd been drowning his sorrows for a long time. I picked his pocket while he was moaning to the bartender, but when I went to the men's room. The only thing in his wallet was a blockbuster card and a picture of some kid on a hospital gurney screaming bloody murder while a nurse worked on his nuts with a staple remover.
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[17 May 2003|08:28am]
I'd swear that the whopper I just had for breakfast tasted exactly like ass.
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maybe i want to be a writer [30 Apr 2003|07:33am]
Here is a poem I wrote

The sun is coming up
and so is my lunch
this backwash reminds me of the beach when I was a kid
except the ocean isn't made of meatballs
i never even saw a cow at the beach
i wonder why
moo moo moo
shh shh shh
salt water and meatballs don't go together
why can't the ocean be made out of melted parmagian
and seashells could be the bread
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[22 Apr 2003|08:10am]
My SSI disability check came yesterday so I thought I’d load up on porn and booze. It was a beautiful day, and the fat broad at the liquor store look especially comely. Her mouth and lips were full. Literally. She was eating white castles one after the other real fast, and the back of her wrists were slick with grease she wiped away from her mouth. Looking at her through the bullet proof glass partition, I could see her and my own reflection on top of each other. It made me feel all shaky, but that might just have been wanting the booze.

I stopped off at the porn store on third avenue and decided to have a quick spank in one of the booths. That same pathetic guy was there whose always there waiting for someone wholl let him blow them. He told me his name once but I fergot. Fat, bald, makes weird faces, he always wears the same ratty shirt that says “comma over mah house.” Anyway, I took a belt of the Old Stonehouse and said what the fuck, eight years in the joint taught me one thing – a hummer is a hummer. I gave him the nod and he waved me into his booth.

It was a tight squeeze, and his belly was uncomfortable pressed up on mine. He wiggled down on to his knees and said something about his scottish thighs getting the best of him at times like this. But boy that fucker could suck, and no slurping, which is good. Slurping from a guy whose blowing you is distrating. I looked at the screen when I spunked and tried to pretend that the blonde with the fake rack was swallowing me instead of this guy.
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In case you ever want to shove eggs up your ass, read this. [10 Apr 2003|01:52pm]
There’s some freaky chick on this thing who posted about shoving blue cheese up her ass. Got me to thinking about sticking things up my own ass. I took off my pants and wears and set about finding something to plug up with. No blue cheese that’s for sure. I havve some American slices in the fridge but I don’t think there firm enough to stand the penetration. Then I saw it – eggs! I had three eggs from a while ago, so I decided to hard boil em and cram em for a little hanky spanky.

The idea of eggs up my ass started making me very horny, and I’m a guy who hasta strike while the iron is hot so to speak if you catch my drift know what I mean? So I forgot to time the boiling very precisely. I took em out and boy o boy was my chicken was ever ready for a chokin. I slathered the eggs with vaseline and squatted. The first one went up nice and easy but in less than a minute it started feeling very HOT up there! I didn’t let em cool off enough I guess so I ran over to the toilet to shit it out.

I had to grunt quite a bit, and as it came out it cracked open and yolk splattered all over the bowl, in a great big super splash. I guess I didn’t cook it long enough. It was real strange to wipe my ass and see yolk on the toilet paper.

So that was my day so far.
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[30 Mar 2003|09:35pm]
I was taking a dump in a parking lot on fulton early this morning when I saw some yuppie fuck do a header off his fuckin pansyass bicicle this morning.. Hahaha! I thought about rolling him but he got up and limped away too quick. What a maroon.
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